Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
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Book Summary Information

Author: Alfie Kohn
Edition: Paperback
Audio: English (Original Language); English (Unknown); English (Published)
Published: 2006-03-28
ISBN: 0743487486
Number of pages: 272
Publisher: Atria
Product features:

Book Reviews of Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

Book Review: I wish I hadn't read it
Summary: 2 Stars

This book has made me reflect on many aspects of my parenting.
Unfortunately, it did so by making me feel guilty and berated. When I feel guilty and insecure, I become a worse parent - I fixate on my actions rather than on watching and responding lovingly to my child.

While reading this book I felt as though I was being manipulated by the highly rhetorical style. Although it is at the complete opposite end of the spectrum to books like On Becoming Baby Wise: The Classic Sleep Reference Guide Used by Over 1,000,000 Parents Worldwide, at the end, i felt with both books as though unworkable advice was being shoved down my throat.

I honestly wish I hadn't read it, because I can get the same parenting tips and information from other sources without the emotional baggage. Try NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children for the same information about praise, for example.

Summary of Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

Most parenting guides begin with the question "How can we get kids to do what they're told?" and then proceed to offer various techniques for controlling them. In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking, "What do kids need -- and how can we meet those needs?" What follows from that question are ideas for working with children rather than doing things to them.

One basic need all children have, Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments (including "time-outs"), rewards (including positive reinforcement), and other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. Kohn cites a body of powerful, and largely unknown, research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. That's precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it's not the message most parents intend to send.

More than just another book about discipline, though, Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about, feel about, and act with their children. It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from "doing to" to "working with" parenting -- including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy, caring, responsible people. This is an eye-opening, paradigm-shattering book that will reconnect readers to their own best instincts and inspire them to become better parents.

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