The Difficult Child: Expanded and Revised Edition
by Stanley Turecki, Leslie Tonner
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Book Summary Information
Author: Leslie Tonner, Stanley TureckiEdition: Paperback
Audio: English (Unknown); English (Original Language); English (Published)
Published: 2000-03-14
ISBN: 0553380362
Number of pages: 302
Publisher: Bantam
Book Reviews of The Difficult Child: Expanded and Revised Edition
Book Review: A Real Dragon-Slayer
Summary: 5 Stars
Often I find that the universe seems to hand me just the book I need when I need it most, and this would be case in point. By the time my daughter was two, I'd worked my way through stacks: the high-need stuff, the strong-willed stuff, the highly-sensitive, the challenging, the high-I.Q., the out-of-synch, the spirited--so much, yet I stopped short of reading "The Difficult Child" because I decided, after reading a couple nasty-spirited books, that I wouldn't read anything with a negative title; semantics mattered, and "challenging" was OK, but "difficult" was not. Ironic, of course, given the fact that Turecki's approach is admirably complex and quite brilliant on temperament, compassionate, humanistic , and attuned to children as individuals. So I was stuck with the marshmallow fluff of "Spirited Child" instead of this meaty one, which of all the books I've read, seems best to "get it" in a wholistic sense. Turecki gets it! He gets that temperament is present at birth; most books on discipline refuse to discuss the child under six, which mystifies me, because if you have a truly challenging child, you're desperate before they turn 6 months. He understands the social isolation, the family complexities, the ever-augmenting dimensions of irony and complexity and difficulty, the maternal and marital pressure. So why did I finally pick up this book? Upon the birth of a second child, I no longer had the leisure of my idealism; if there had been a book titled "Coping With Your Spawn of Satan" I would have picked it up--if I'd had time to read.
Here's why this book is a real "dragon-slayer": Even the most un-neurotic, level-headed, intelligent parent--who knows better!--will at times question whether her robust yet difficult-to-raise child is perhaps brain-damaged (that glass of Champagne I drank at my cousin's wedding during the first trimester! Heavens!), suffering from an undiagnosed mood disorder, in need of special education or therapy or medication or acupuncture. Turecki begins his book with a quiz based on the following tempermant traits: high-activity level, impulsivity, distractibility, high-intensity, irregularity, negative persistence, low sensory threshold, initial withdrawal, poor adaptability, negative mood. I rated my daughter as moderate to extremely high in all categories, which would make her a mother-killer, and that's not including something Turecki leaves out--intellectual giftedness--which adds another dimension.
Here's why I'm glad I didn't read Turecki's book when she was a baby: I adopted an "attachment parenting" philosophy in reaction to her extreme difficulty, including co-sleeping, extended and on-demand breastfeeding, complete access to my person (in six years, I've not been apart from my daughter for an over-night or even more than a few hours). I got into it; it expanded my consciousness, you know, John Holt saying, "Listen to your child as you yourself were not listened to," and the idea that meeting the deepest needs of babies with a YES means their deepest needs are met for a lifetime. I was deeply transformed as a person and mother; if I'd had tools to maintain control--Ha!-- perhaps that wouldn't have happened. And here's what happened: it worked! Attachment parenting worked so well, in fact, that rather ironically, my daughter's difficulty was masked from all but those closest to her, which in a way added to the insanity of the situation my husband and I found ourselves in, as we were worn ragged meeting the needs of our sensitive tyrant, who just seemed shy and sweet to others. Turecki's book is divided into two parts, the theory of temperament (my favorite) and The Plan, which I would have hated when my daughter was a toddler; I'd probably have thrown the book across the room. Though Turecki tries to remain neutral, he's clearly baffled by the "attachment" folks. I still believe in that stuff, but I also believe in change--children grow, and new ways of relating need to come into being in response.
My daughter recently started elementary school in an accelerated public school classroom, which is highly-structured, disciplined and small. I didn't hope for much and saw it as the least bad of bad choices...but my daughter...loves it...and seems to be thriving. I'm baffled, especially as preschool was a nightmare of separation anxiety, topped off by a round of observations by our local special ed program, as the teacher wondered if my intense, creative, brilliant child, who refused to make eye contact with her or speak to her, might be autistic. So, I'll explore Turecki's methods, which are behavioral, tempered with knowledge of temperament, and which emphasize the importance of structure for the child with a difficult temperament. Here is my point: implementing such structure simply would not have worked when my daughter was a baby. I found Turecki's chapter on infants laughable, though I think he's right that colic is temperamental in origin. I likewise found his scenarios/profiles demonstrating how to implement consistent, effective response a bit simplistic. But I am inspired about the possibilities of regaining authority, maintaining neutrality and distancing myself from negative patterns.
(*) I'm going to add a comment almost a year after writing this review. My daughter was recently diagnosed with asthma and off-the-chart allergies to wheat, dairy & eggs, and my naturopathic physician says that in her experience, this trio of allergies corresponds to neurological symptoms, such as anxiety, ADHD, schizophrenia, autism. I'm hopeful that avoidance of allergens for a year, combined with herbal support drops, probiotics, etc. will help abate obsessive thinking, anxiety, etc. There is a deep history of allergies and neuroloigcal symptoms on my husband's side, and I also find it interesting that giftedness is sometimes linked with allergies and asthma. For what it's worth...such topics are not addressed in the book and may be at the root of the matter.
Summary of The Difficult Child: Expanded and Revised Edition
How to help--and cope with--the difficult childExpanded and completely revised, the classic and definitive work on parenting hard-to-raise children with new sections on ADHD and the latest medications for childhood disorders.
Temperamentally difficult children can confuse and upset even experienced parents and teachers. They often act defiant, stubborn, loud, aggressive, or hyperactive. They can also be clingy, shy, whiny, picky, and impossible at bedtime, mealtimes, and in public places. This landmark book has been completely revised to include the latest information on ADHD, medications, and a reassuring approach to all aspects of childhood behavioral disorders.
In this parenting classic, Dr. Stanley Turecki, one of the nation's most respected experts on children and discipline--and himself the father of a once difficult child--offers compassionate and practical advice to parents of hard-to-raise children. Based on his experience with thousands of families in the highly successful Difficult Children Program he developed for Beth Israel Medical Center in New York City, his step-by-step approach shows you how to:
Identify your child's temperament using a ten-point test to pinpoint specific difficulties
Manage common--often "uncontrollable"--conflict situations expertly and gently
Make discipline more effective and get better results with less punishment
Get support from schools, doctors, professionals, and support groups
Understand ADHD and other common diagnoses, and decide if medication is right for your child
Make the most of the tremendous potential and creativity that many "difficult" children have
Drawing on his experience with thousands of families in his highly successful Difficult Child Program, Dr. Turecki shows parents how to:
Identify their child's difficult temperament using a ten-point test to pinpoint specific difficulties
Manage typical conflict situations expertly and kindly
Make discipline more effective and get better results with less punishment
Get support from schools, doctors, and others
Understand ADHD and other common diagnoses, and decide whether medication is right for their child
Make the most of the child's creativity and potential -->
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