How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: Finding Love Beyond Words
by Patricia Love, Steven Stosny
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Book Summary Information
Author: Patricia Love, Steven StosnyEdition: Hardcover
Audio: English (Unknown); English (Original Language); English (Published)
Published: 2007-01-16
ISBN: 0767923170
Number of pages: 240
Publisher: Broadway
Book Reviews of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: Finding Love Beyond Words
Book Review: One of the Best Books To Help Your Relationship and I've Read 100's!
Summary: 5 Stars
As a relationship counselor I am always attempting to keep current on latest insights in my field. Since I was already a big fan of Pat Love and Steven Stosny I was curious to see this book. I knew it had to have good information and it went way beyond my expectations.
In short, this book is revolutionary! And, it runs counter to what most relationship books will teach you. The main message? The secret to improving your relationships is NOT about learning to communicate better or to share your feelings (something the authors say men dread to do. They would rather put their hand on a red hot stove, so asking them to share their feelings with you as a woman is one of the worst things for a relationship you can do).
What is the secret if communication is not the answer (though it can help). Simple. CONNECTION! When people feel connected to each other, communication is not as significant. When they don't even good communication skills (like "I" messages etc) won't help. For example, the authors share a classic scenario where a man comes home late from work tired and misses dinner. The woman feels upset and hurt that he is home late once again. Because they feel disconnected both get defensive. He defends having to work so much. She defends what she does to support him and how she doesn't feel appreciated. Things go down hill from there. What do both couples really want here? They want to feel connected. They want to know that the other person still cares about them. How does connection happen? This book gives a number of practical techniques, but they all begin with compassion! Only as you "step into the puddle" as the authors describe it, and are willing to feel compassion, caringm, and concern for your partner, will connection happen. I couldn't agree more.
Why do so few people do this? Because as the authors share, too many people worry that the puddle (the shame, fear, worry, etc) of their partner will be a lot deeper than it is. By learning to risk and see that it is almost always a puddle, not an ocean of emotion), will you develop the skill of stepping into the puddle of your partner's temporary mood with compassion and skill so you can assist both of you in stepping out of that puddle together.
Also illuminating is a deeper understanding of why men and women get defensive in the first place. The authors share that men have a strong need to provide and protect. When they don't, they feel like failures. If they don't know how to deal with this feeling in a compassionate way, they feel ashamed. Rather than feel shame, they start to defend, close down, and blame their partner for their bad mood or current life situation. Though it helps if a man comes to grips with his shame and learns to work with it on his own, it also helps if the woman he is with follows the techniques in this book, so she can learn not to trigger a man's feeling of shame. The advantage? He will be less likely to become defensive, close down, withdraw, and move into the blame or control game. (Control by the way is often triggered when men have a strong desire to protect their partner, but a high level of fear that they will be unable to, the authors suggest).
What happens when a man does not know how to work effectively with his feelings of shame? He triggers in the woman her feeling of fear. Both shame in a man and fear in a woman have biological roots that the authors detail well. For example, they reveal how women, even as small infants, are biologically programmed to feel and experience way higher levels of fear and anxiety then men do. If only men understood this, it would help them develop more compassion for how at a hormonal and biological level women suffer when they live in fear. What are women most afraid of? Feeling disconnected and all alone. After all, women are programmed biologically to seek connection and be in groups. This has helped them survive over the years (unlike men who were biologically programmed to cope with fear better so they could go off alone on a hunt). How can a woman feel alone? She can feel alone in her dreams. Alone in getting the kind of support (even help around the house) she needs. Alone at home. Alone on the outside of her partner's life (if he is always at work and doing other activities). Being alone helps a man sort out his life. It restores him. But, for many women, if they feel alone in a relationship, everything goes downhill. If men could recognize and appreciate this more, they would be much more careful not to use control, anger, intimidation, withdrawal, and blame in their relationships with women. They would also develop more empathy for women. And, they would find ways (like the very simple methods in this book) that would help them love and cherish their wives (and this is really important) without feeling like they have to turn into a woman to do this.
This is important because the authors relate how men dread having to do things to improve a relationship that make them feel like they are turning into a girl! The good news is, they don't have too. And, as men and women learn to understand each other, and become more compassionate with each other (without having to talk about it), their relationships dramatically improve.
In conclusion, I have respected these two authors for a long time. This is not "off the top of their heads" theorectical advice. The revolutionary insights in this book come from their decades of experience helping thousands of couples discover what actually WORKS to make relationships better. I know how moving beyond communication into connection and compassion have helped my life. And I am certain this book will help your life too! - Dr. Lisa Love, Beyond the Secret
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Summary of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: Finding Love Beyond Words
Men are right. The ?relationship talk? does not help. Dr. Patricia Love?s and
Dr. Steven Stosny?s How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
reveals the stunning truth about marital happiness:
Love is not about better communication.
It's about connection.
You'll never get a closer relationship
with your man by talking to him like you
talk to one of your girlfriends.
Male emotions are like women's sexuality:
you can't be too direct too quickly.
There are four ways to connect with a man:touch, activity, sex, routines.
Men want closer marriages just as much as women do,but not if they has to act like a woman.
Talking makes women move closer;
it makes men move away.
The secret of the silent male is this:
his wife supplies the meaning in his life.
The stunning truth about love is that talking doesn?t help.
Have you ever had this conversation with your spouse?
Wife: ?Honey, we need to talk about us.?
Husband: ?Do we have to??
Drs. Patricia Love and Steven Stosny have studied this all-too-familiar dynamic between men and women and have reached a truly shocking conclusion. Even with the best of intentions, talking about your relationship doesn?t bring you together, and it will eventually drive you apart.
The reason for this is that underneath most couples? fights, there is a biological difference at work. A woman?s vulnerability to fear and anxiety makes her draw closer, while a man?s subtle sensitivity to shame makes him pull away in response. This is why so many married couples fall into the archetypal roles of nagging wife/stonewalling husband, and why improving a marriage can?t happen through words.
How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It teaches couples how to get closer in ways that don?t require ?trying to turn a man into a woman.? Rich in stories of couples who have turned their marriages around, and full of practical advice about the behaviors that make and break marriages, this essential guide will help couples find love beyond words.
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