Coming Home to Self: The Adopted Child Grows Up
by Nancy Newton Verrier
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Book Summary Information
Author: Nancy Newton VerrierEdition: Paperback
Published: 2003-10
ISBN: 0963648012
Number of pages: 485
Publisher: Nancy Verrier
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Book Reviews of Coming Home to Self: The Adopted Child Grows Up
Book Review: an adoptive mother
Summary: 1 Stars
I have read Primal Wound 3 times. First before I adopted a child, then immediately after I adopted my daughter, and again 3 years later.
I will never be detached..this is a tough read. But I do have a background in neuroscience and research that made me skeptical about her persona as a scientist.
Her sample size is very small, and as far as the "effects of being adopted" she pretty much describes every tempermant and behavior known to man and gives some link to how it is shaped by adoption.
Shy? guarded because of adoption
gregarious ? seeking approval because of adoption
get homesick? lack of security because of adoption
want to leave home at 18? must be adoption
don't want to leave? must be adoption
high achieving? adoption
low achieving? yup, you guessed it..its adoption!!
I am not so naive that I think that adoption is not a trauma on some level for both adoptee and birth parent, but I cannot underscore enough how I think trauma is processed differently depending on the individual.
I think we are doing a service to adopted persons when we swing from the "grateful adoptee" paradigm to the "wounded tragedy" paradigm. With gratefulness, we failed to acknowledge the losses, and did not allow grieving. With this paradigm, I feel that adoptees are being convinced that all of their problems are rooted in their relinquishment, and only when they are walking around with a giant gaping psychic wound are they "addressing their true feelings."
Is there an option for an adopted person to feel sad or angry or uncomfortable about being seperated from their first family but at peace, and even happy to be in the family that raised them?
Can a birth mother only show her love for her child by being haunted and tormented, or is it okay for her to be sad about the need to be in the situation but at peace with doing what she thought was right?
There is a phrase in the book where she refers to a feeling and a connection to a child that only "biological mothers know." WHAT?
Before you roll your eyes, I have a biological child as well. Carrying a child is wonderful, and amazing. But I can tell you that aside from seeing my physical self in my other child, I don't feel any deeper insight into his needs and psyche than I do with my daughter, who is my child through adoption.
In a way, as adoptive parents, I feel we are often given an advantage in the parenting realm..we are often required to confront our most fundamental feelings and motivations, we take classes, read books, to try and help us best parent our children. As much as a cliche as this in the adoption world, if all parents had to do what most adoptive parents do, there would be a lot less parents in general.
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