And I Don't Want to Live This Life: A Mother's Story of Her Daughter's Murder
by Deborah Spungen
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Book Summary Information
Author: Deborah SpungenEdition: Paperback
Audio: English (Unknown); English (Original Language); English (Published)
Published: 1996-09-29
ISBN: 0449911411
Number of pages: 408
Publisher: Ballantine Books
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Book Reviews of And I Don't Want to Live This Life: A Mother's Story of Her Daughter's Murder
Book Review: PRAYERS FOR THE SPUNGENS -- LOVING ACCOUNT OF A LOVED ONE
Summary: 5 Stars
Nancy Spungen was born in torment. A cyanotic baby, she screamed incessantly. She was an extremely active young child and seemed to be chronically restless.
Nancy's short life was marked by her own inner torment, her restlessness, violence and self destructive behavior. She had good parents who did everything they knew possible to help their child. By the time Nancy was 10 in 1968-1969, she and her parents were receiving regular treatment at a neighborhood clinic.
One is shocked at the callousness of clinic staff. Deborah's therapist verbally attacked the people in the group; Nancy's therapist appeared to be patronizing and self serving. The director seemed especially dispicable. He refused to provide the Spungens with a diagonsis or even his own honest opinion. It was stupid to say Nancy's behavior was normal when it was obviously everything but. The Spungens obviously needed help and guidance, not dodges and ploys. It was also inexcusable and cruel for the staff to blame them. That served absolutely no real purpose whatsoever.
One inconsistency occurs in this book during Nancy's first and most devastating breakdown at age 11. Deborah writes that Nancy at 10 was bright eyed and functioning, but a year later Nancy's deterioration presented a thunderous contrast. Events of 1968 and 1969 were transposed; for example Nancy, then 11 insisted on staying in NYC to see the musical "Hair," but was reported as being aged 10. The event took place on April 29, 1969 when Nancy was 11. That was one alarming event that preceded one that was even more horrifying. Shortly after disappearing into the crowd to see the musical, Nancy tried to stab a neighborhood babysitter, but was reported as being 11. Readers can't help but think that the horrific changes in Nancy's overall behavior in 1968-69 made those years almost interchangeable in Deborah's mind.
The only thing I didn't like was when Deborah overused the word begged in lieu of asked, as in, "David, what's wrong?" I begged. "How?" I begged. "Nothing?" I begged. I felt using the word "begged" instead of asked in these cases stuck out like a very sore thumb.
Like Tony Wilson of This Stranger My Son, Nancy's deteriorating turning points took place when she was 10 and 11. Her behavior and Tony's were not too different and their life experiences, although Tony and Nancy were roughly a decade and a half apart in age were eerily similar. Both were the oldest children in their respective families.
Matters reached a critical head the fall of 1969 when Nancy was 11. She walked out of school during the first week and was subsequently expelled. (One wonders why her therapist was so adamant that she attend school the day in question. From Deborah's account, Nancy was plainly in no condition to go). She attacked her mother with a hammer when the latter refused to take her to a museum as it was near time for the place to close for the evening. Nancy later served Thanksgiving and the Thanksgiving 1969 weekend in a hospital. Deborah spent the months September 1969 - January 1970 finding a special needs boarding school for Nancy.
Fortunately for the Spungens, the Devereaux Institute accepted Nancy in February of 1970. She made extraordinary progress the first term there, but when she returned that fall [1970] her behavior became a litany of runaway episodes, self injurious behavior and terrorizing her parents and siblings. She began abusing hard drugs during this period and sold her mother's jewelry to support her habit.
Nancy's behavior deteriorated in Devereaux. Two memorable blunders on the part of school staff was shocking. Nancy performed a self-abortive act at 14 even though she wasn't pregnant; cut her wrists and ran away numerous times. School staff suggested graduating her at age 15. Deborah insisted that the school keep Nancy another year, which enraged Nancy to the point of further self-destructive behaviors. How could the school even consider graduation for a 15-year-old who lacked the maturity and stability for college or a regular job? One also wonders why Devereaux refused to let the Spungens hospitalize Nancy for a month to seek a "vitamin treatment program" in 1973. Why would any instition bar parents from trying different approaches to help their child? Aren't they on the same side?
Nancy was graduated at age 16. She enrolled in a college in Colorado and was expelled during the fall of 1974 for drug dealing and theft. Devasted, Nancy retreated into further drug use and self abuse. Unable to control her, Frank and Deborah arranged to have her move to Manhattan where they covered her rent and groceries.
Nancy spent the next year and a half clubbing and go-go dancing to make ends meet. She was also abusing drugs. In 1977, Nancy decided to join her club pals in London, where she met Sid Vicious of the Sex Pistols. There they had a rather questionable relationship. Sid apparently abused Nancy and on one occasion nearly severed her ear.
During the fall of 1978, Nancy and Sid returned to the U.S. They stayed in the Spungeon house, where they were clearly out of their element. Zonked and emaciated, they were clearly at the tail end of their game. Sid appeared to be unable to participate in conversations and he spent his time drunk and wasted with Nancy.
The pair left for a hotel where Sid stabbed Nancy to death with a hunting knife on October 12, 1978. The cruelty of the press and of entertainers about the pair's death was sickening and appalling.
Nancy had good parents who clearly loved and cared about her. They got little help from the "experts" and were often left to box shadows and fend for themselves. Deborah's account is a loving, gritty, heartwarming and heartfelt one; it is an entreaty to really care about people who are obviously suffering from internal travail.
A good companion book to this one is This Stranger My Son
Each time I read this book, I pray for the Spungens.
More And I Don't Want to Live This Life: A Mother's Story of Her Daughter's Murder reviews:
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Summary of And I Don't Want to Live This Life: A Mother's Story of Her Daughter's Murder
For most of us, it was just another horrible headline. But for Deborah Spungen, the mother of Nancy, who was stabbed to death at the Chelsea Hotel, it was both a relief and a tragedy. Here is the incredible story of an infant who never stopped screaming, a toddler who attacked people, a teenager addicted to drugs, violence, and easy sex, a daughter completely out of control--who almost destroyed her parents' marriage and the happiness of the rest of her family."Honest and moving...Her painful tale is engrossing."
WASHINGTON POST BOOK WORLD
From the Paperback edition.
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