American Prince: A Memoir
by Tony Curtis, Peter Golenbock
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Book Summary Information
Author: Peter Golenbock, Tony CurtisEdition: Hardcover
Audio: English (Unknown); English (Original Language); English (Published)
Format: Deckle Edge
Published: 2008-10-14
ISBN: 0307408493
Number of pages: 384
Publisher: Crown Archetype
Product features:
- autographed tony curtis
Book Reviews of American Prince: A Memoir
Book Review: Da Bum's OK!
Summary: 5 Stars
Ho boy! Is there a lot of schtupping in this book!
Tony Curtis schtupped Marilyn Monroe.
He schtupped Gloria DeHaven.
He schtupped Natalie Wood.
He even went back to his acting school after he became famous, rolled down the window of his limousine and yelled out to Walter Matthau: "I SCHTUPPED YVONNE DE CARLO!"
Yeah, baby! Atta boy, Tony!
Yahoo!
(The yell, not the multinational corporation.)
This was some feency-schmeency schtupper, I wanna tell ya. At 96-years-old, I, Yasha J. Banana, -- the oldest living Amazon reviewer (if you call this living -- I envy this boychick. I couldn't get it up if Angelina Jolie parachuted into my bed naked.
One might say that Tony Curtis is to schtupping what the burning bush is to the Old Testament.
(Or not.)
If this memoir of Tony Curtis' life was ever made into a musical, the lyrics to the theme song might go something like this:
~~ Tony Curtis had a harem, e-i, e-i, oh! ~~
~~ And in this harem he farked some strudel, e-i, e-i, oh! ~~
~~ With a schtup-schtup here and a fark-fark there. ~~
~~ Here a schtup, there a schtup, everywhere a fark-fark. ~~
COME ON, LET'S HEAR IT! EVERYBODY SING! YOU, TOO, TIGER WOODS!
Oh, I know, I know, some of the previous reviewers have criticized this book; self-righteously maintaining that all it does is prove that Tony Curtis is an immature, irresponsible, good-for-nothing profligate. Well, do you know what I say to that, Pilgrim? -- SCHTUP YOU!
And the turkey you shot on Thanksgiving.
Oh, ye, of little faith. Don't you realize that every red-blooded American, male or female, given half a chance would love to do all the upscale schtupping Tony Curtis has done. Quoting Sigmund Freud on the importance of schtupping to sound mental health -- "Yeah, man! Go, baby! Yahoo!"
(The rodeo cheer, not the website.)
Ok, so maybe it wasn't Sigmund Freud who said that. Maybe it was Mickey Rooney. I get them mixed up. One was short, I know that.
Oh, sure, all you self-righteous moraliziers, we know -- you wouldn't *dream* of doing what Tony Curtis did -- schtup all those famous Hollywood movie stars, all those Grade-A bipeds. Oh nooooooo, not you. 'Course not. You'd rather attend the next PTA meeting, take copious notes and volunteer for next month's field trip to the science museum.
And do you know what I say to that? HA! That's what I say to that -- HA!
And that goes double for the horse you came in on, Hester. HA-HA!
Oh, sure, we all know that you'd avoid like the plague the utterly irresponsible notion of tooling around in a Rolls Royce convertible, the way our boy Tony does -- one hand signing autographs, the other hand blessing the multitudes. Oh, you'd never dream of doing that, would you? You'd rather go to your in-laws house and discuss Aunt Shirley's gall bladder operation, right?
(Oh, you fools! You accursed fools!)
Who could imagine that you (you!) would want to hobnob with all those groovy jet-setters Tony knows. Oooooh nooooooooo! No-no, no-no-no. Not you. You'd rather attend the Jerry Falwell lookalike contest, faithfully held every year in beautiful downtown Ballsack, Colorado.
We know.
But just remember this, all you hypocritical, self-righteous, green-with-envy moralizers -- "TONY CURTIS LIVES FOR YOUR SINS!"
Shove that up your Funk and Wagnall, Heathcliff.
A page at a time.
The fact is, Tony Curtis comes across in this book in a very simpatico way -- warm, friendly, vulnerable. And that's what makes him such a world class B.S.er! Yahoo, YAHOOOOOO! (The emotional outburst, not the heartless corporatist stronghold). How do you think he nailed all those Hollywood starlets. Warm, friendly, vulnerable -- AND THEN HE SCHTUPPED 'EM!
Sepentine, Tony, serpentine!
(Wot a guy!)
Lemme tell ya, this boy doesn't just "lay down a load of crap," he buffs it, baby, he buffs it!
Follow me on this now. ... Hollywood is the B.S. capitol of the world, right? So, therefore, Hollywood, by definition, must be loaded with top-notch B.S.ers -- right? And Tony Curtis is, hands down, the best of the best, the creme de creme, the "capo di tutti capi" of showbiz B.S.ers.
Well done, Tony Curtis, well done. We in the customized manure business salute you.
What's interesting about this memoir is that whilst Tony-baby pays lipservice to whatever harm he may have done to others, given his wild and wacky ways, we all know he doesn't mean it. If he had the chance, he'd do it all over again.
Twice.
YAHOO! YAHOO! (The libidinous exclamation; not the disgusting chocolate drink once endorsed by Yogi Berra).
Tony Curtis doesn't apology for his self-indulgent lifestyle. He don't need to give you no stinking apology. Who are you? Yeah *you* -- you in the cheap seats over there -- you wretched peon. Who are you that Tony Curtis should be worried about apologizing? Take a hike, Elmer. And tuck those earflaps under your cap.
Oh, and one more thing, Tony, in case you're listening ... just a thought. ... From now on, why not sign your autograph: "I'M AN AMERICAN PRINCE. AND YOU'RE NOT."
'at'll fix 'em.
Summary of American Prince: A Memoir
?All my life I had one dream and that was to be in the movies.?He was the Golden Boy of the Golden Age. A prince of the silver screen. Dashing and debonair, Tony Curtis arrived on the scene in a blaze of bright lights and celluloid. His good looks, smooth charm, and natural talent earned him fame, women, and adulation?Elvis copied his look and the Beatles put him on their Sgt. Pepper album cover. But the Hollywood life of his dreams brought both invincible highs and debilitating lows. Now, in his captivating, no-holds-barred autobiography, Tony Curtis shares the agony and ecstasy of a private life in the public eye.
No simple tell-all, American Prince chronicles Hollywood during its heyday. Curtis revisits his immense body of work?including the unforgettable classics Houdini, Spartacus, and Some Like It Hot?and regales readers with stories of his associations with Frank Sinatra, Laurence Olivier, director Billy Wilder, and film industry heavyweight Lew Wasserman, as well as paramours Natalie Wood and Marilyn Monroe, among others.
As forthright as he is enthralling, Tony Curtis offers intimate glimpses into his succession of failed marriages (and the one that has endured), his destructive drug addiction, and his passion as a painter. Written with humor and grace, American Prince is a testament to the power of living the life of one?s dreams.
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