A Little Pregnant: Our Memoir of Fertility, Infertility, and a Marriage
by Linda Carbone, Ed Decker
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Book Summary Information
Author: Ed Decker, Linda CarboneEdition: Hardcover
Audio: English (Original Language); English (Unknown); English (Published)
Published: 1999-06
ISBN: 0871137518
Number of pages: 232
Publisher: Atlantic Monthly Pr
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Book Reviews of A Little Pregnant: Our Memoir of Fertility, Infertility, and a Marriage
Book Review: A Little TOO Much
Summary: 4 Stars
A "Little" To Much to Handle
The engaging infertility memoir, A Little Pregnant, is a captivating story that almost no one will want to listen too. Though it is an interesting tale of the trials and tribulations that married couple Ed Decker and Linda Carbone experience in their journey to first conceive and then adopt a child, most people will either find the story too heart wrenching to finish or it will go completely over their heads. For couples facing infertility, which affects about 1 in 10 couples according to the American College of Physicians, it will probably hit too close to home, with its many disappointments and soul crushing moments. And for those who cannot relate to the struggles of infertility, it will completely miss the mark because it is full of convoluted and some times obscure medical procedures that most people either won't understand or just plain won't care to hear about. The book seems to have split personalities at every turn, from the enigmatic couple Carbone and Decker, to the feelings it evokes and the audience it is reaching out too, A Little Pregnant is constantly pulling its reader in two directions.
A Little Pregnant begins it tug of war right the start. It is told in from the perspective of both Decker and Carbone in alternating chapters that are rich in detail. This formats shows how profoundly and differently the couple was affected by their quest to become parents. There are countless medical procedures and so many heart breaking moments that at times the story becomes exhausting. It almost makes you wonder when they will stop and accept their fate of being childless. Their masochistic determination can be frustrating. But then there are other moments where you actually admire their strength and resilience in the face of such discouraging setbacks in their dream of conceiving.
The story starts with the couple happy, urban and in love but as they run into unexpected road blocks in the baby quest, they become resentful and impatient with each other. Carbone has always been ambivalent about having children. She grows to resent her husband for forcing her to the next level every time they lose a pregnancy or fail to conceive. She undergoes countless medical procedures, including a Dilation and Curettage for a uterine blockage, the fertility drug Clomid, treatment for endometriosis, IVF and procedure called GIFT. None of which produced a viable fetus. Disenchanted with her relationship with her husband, she develops a strong sexual attraction to the second most important man in her life, her fertility doctor, Dr. Gold. At one point as she realizes her growing crush for him she muses, "When I was at the office, Dr Gold and I would sometimes have long talks on the phone. I found myself doodling his name. I'd save messages he left on my voicemail and replay them again and again, the disembodied masculinity of his voice becoming both overly familiar and strange, like a word you say to many times in a row (97)." It's hard to tell if Carbone is beginning to lose her mind or is just trying to find a mental escape from such a draining process. She begins to wear make up and style her hair especially for her appointments with him. Then she starts to have vivid sexual fantasies about him, wondering if he has ever felt a "flicker of desire" for her during her exams. She graphically describes how she would like to "arouse him with her hands and mouth into a glorious erection" while sneaking off to secret meeting
places and not being bothered with birth control (p.98)." At times you wonder if Dr. Gold reciprocates these feelings. He gives her special treatment, such as calling her ahead of patients who have earlier appointments and having round the clock conversations with her. He tells her to "call him anytime", which is comforting to a patient, but also somewhat inappropriate. Her ambivalence fades as she seems to feel as if it is her duty to produce a child for her husband. She even appears rebellious at some points, determined have a child simply because she has been told that she may not be able to.
Decker on the other hand has always wanted children and sees himself as the perfect father. It is puzzling why he would marry a woman so vocal about her ambivalence to have children. Meanwhile Decker becomes obsessive with of having to perform on cue for the many samples he must leave. Also their lovemaking must be scheduled at specific times. In time they discover that not only Carbone, but Decker also has physical problem contributing to their infertility. Though Carbone never outwardly says it, you can sense her sighing with relief because she is no longer the sole reason they have not had child. Eventually all these factor cause him to have extreme anxiety attacks. He first tries a biofeedback device and when that doesn't work he goes to a therapist. Even though the therapist is dedicated to helping him and very accurate in what he thinks is causing his anxiety attacks, Decker leaves and never returns, too afraid to uncover whatever demons in his past have contributed to his current problems.
As the story drags on, it becomes an emotional roller coaster, with small victories contrasted with crushing defeats. They become pregnant three times only to have all of the pregnancies in end in early miscarriages. They try acupuncture as an alternative to
conventional medicine. Carbone visits a chiropractor and they both return to Decker's therapist to try to work through other problems they feel may be hindering them in becoming parents. None of these options prove successful, not due to lack of expertise or effort on the part of medical professionals, but because of Decker's and Carbone's fear of truly exploring themselves and each other in fear of what they may find. Their stubbornness is a recurring theme throughout the book, with them ignoring practicality at several different points. This tunnel vision could be interpreted as either single minded foolishness to fulfill the selfish desire to have a child or as the need to satisfy the basic human need to reproduce. Occasionally it seems like the former, but more often then not, it appears to be the latter.
It begins to seem as if the couple is being bullied by some higher power, and the reader begins to worry if they are doomed to never realize this dream, and if so where that will leave them as a couple. Their fights become more vicious and as they become older, they both become more desperate, because they know time is limited. Their communication also breaks down. Whenever Carbone tries to express to Decker that they should consider giving up, he silently presses her into going on. At one point he even tells her, if he must, he will do it without her (195). Many experts agree that infertility affects all three of the things couples fight about the most, money, sex and equal responsibility amongst partners (Holland). Decker and Carbone seem to almost reach their breaking point as all these things are not only a source of fights but great tension as well.
When they finally give up the notion of having a biological child and decide to adopt, a glimmer of hope is shown. They aren't able to go through an agency, because
they exceed their age limit, so they must pursue private adoption. They go through the process of retaining a lawyer and trying to find a birth mother to adopt from. They place ads in new papers across the country, basically advertising for women who wanted to give their child up for adoption. Finally a young girl named Nellie answers, 8 months pregnant and sure of her decision to give her child to a family that can give her child a better life. She is only in high school and it is implied that she has gotten pregnant by her step father. They go to Nebraska to pick up the child and instantly fall in love. Carbone, who was at first afraid of not being able to love someone else's child, now had an overwhelming fear of not being able to take home the baby she had instantly fell in love with. The birth mother's hesitation to sign the papers and sudden request to see the baby one last time worries Carbone. Her intuition proves true. At the last minute the young, teenage mother who had promised them her baby reneged. And there was nothing they could do but accept it. At this moment they decide no more and drive back to New York resigned to that fact that they will never have a child.
Surprisingly and unceremoniously Carbone becomes pregnant. On the ride home from their final test she realizes that she is experiencing all the early symptoms of pregnancy. Without drugs, schedules or doctors she gets pregnant, has an uneventful and easy pregnancy and gives birth to a healthy baby girl. With so much heart ache through out the book, one would hope that the happy ending would be detailed and fulfilling. Instead it is short and anticlimactic. Though there is a sense of relief, you cannot help but wonder was so much was worth it in the end. And would a child, the one thing that
divided them so much in the past, now fix their marriage that was so clearly broken by their obsession with having one?
Though A Little Pregnant draws you in from page one, it also, at times, pushes you away. It's bare, uncut honesty and the strength of Carbone and Decker can be refreshing and necessary at times, yet unsettling and frustrating at others. The attention to detail and fine narration makes it nearly impossible to put the book down. Except for the somewhat confusing medical procedures that the couple goes through, it is almost like talking with a friend. If given the chance, the book could be enjoyed by almost anyone, but they should keep this disclaimer in mind; be prepared to have your heartstrings pulled and you common sense tested as you go on this miserable trek towards parenthood with these wonderfully interesting people.
Summary of A Little Pregnant: Our Memoir of Fertility, Infertility, and a Marriage
Between 1986 and 1995 Linda Carbone and Ed Decker suffered three miscarriages, endured numerous surgeries and high-tech medical procedures, and spent thousands of dollars in a fruitless effort to bring a child into their home. This poignant and refreshingly honest account of a husband and wife struggling, over the course of a decade, to have a child is as much about the promises and pitfalls of modern medicine as it is about the vicissitudes of love.Linda Carbone was scheduled for a fetal sonogram. A bit superstitious after having suffered two miscarriages, she wanted to skip the appointment, but the fertility clinic that helped her conceive this baby convinced her to go: "There aren't that many highs in life." Instead of seeing the baby's heartbeat, though, she watched as the technician kept enlarging the image on the screen, looking for a heartbeat or any sign of movement. The pregnancy wasn't viable, she was told, and the baby's body was about to "crumple." Carbone would soon miscarry for the third time.
A Little Pregnant is filled with moments like this that make one wonder just how much cruelty a person can endure. Carbone, an editor, and her husband, Ed Decker, a writer, faced nearly a decade of Job-like trials in their quest for a child. She was injected with dangerous, personality-altering hormones and underwent in vitro fertilization; his testicles were operated on to relieve low sperm count; they burst into tears whenever another couple or family member had a baby. And they drove each other crazy, nearly divorcing, not the least because Decker was obsessed with parenthood and Carbone was indifferent about it--and eventually developed a crush on her fertility doctor. All these soul-sapping events are told in a compulsively readable she-said, he-said format, suspended in a sort of magical realism, as if the pair can't now comprehend why they tortured themselves--or allowed themselves to be tortured by others--for so long.
The book escapes what might have been an overly oppressive tone because the reader knows from the start that Decker and Carbone did have a healthy baby girl, after--almost implausibly--an anguishing adoption attempt failed and they had finally resigned themselves to being childless. This is a magnificent examination of self-delusion, the cruelties of imperfect technology, and the gripping allure of parenthood. --Erica Jorgensen
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